Movie Review: Thor the Conqueror

Italian filmmakers of the 1970's and '80's loved to rip-off Hollywood blockbusters. Look no further than when Dawn of the Dead came out and we saw a slew of poorly dubbed zombie movies. Some even credited as sequels to their American counterparts. Well, films like Conan the Barbarian and The Beastmaster were not safe from being exploited and this is how we get Thor the Conqueror (also credited as The Beastmaster 2). Move over Chris Hemsworth, Conrad Nichols is in town!

We open with what was probably the most unrealistic birthing scene of all time as Thor's mother gives birth to him behind a bush standing up. Gnut the Archer tries to kill off Thor for some reason (I think Thor is the chosen one but who the hell knows) and fails. However, in the process he does knock off Thor's dad, which of course, will lead to Thor wanting revenge. Years go by and Thor is now grown up and being led around by what I think is a wizard; Etna the Birdman, who seems to conveniently show up when the Conqueror is about to have sex and now and then appears as an owl. Thor then meets a lady, gets her pregnant, takes over a village, which is then raided by: you guessed it, Gnut! Eventually, Thor gets a horse, which I guess hadn't been invented yet because his enemies were terrified of it and all Thor did was ride back and forth. We then get the epic final confrontation between Thor and Gnut and well, you know the rest.

Thor the Conqueror is a B-movie and has to be treated like one. To take it seriously would be doing the film a grave injustice. I can imagine someone renting this at their local video store (remember those?) thinking they were going to get Beastmaster like quality and being very angry at their choice. If you want to take any serious criticism further, the film is not kind to women, in fact, it is downright misogynistic in it's themes (Thor is practically a rapist at times). No, Thor the Conqueror plays better many years later, where people have a new appreciation for the B-movie genre and can look at a film like this, be aware of the when, why, where and how it was made and take it for what it is. The film has plenty of action and the plot keeps moving rather well. There is always a village of baddies for Thor to dispatch and the relationship between him and his "female" actually has some progression and development. There is this really trippy scene where Thor is haunted by some floating heads, one that looks like Yoda meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the other that looks like one of the birds from Dark Crystal. I also found the blinding scene to be very effective as Thor eyes are completely burned out by Gnut (not much of a spoiler considering it is in the trailer). Throw in the fastest decapitation ever, some decent looking sword fights, scantily clad pretty ladies (and hard body dudes),  and you've got yourself an entertaining movie here. The final monologue from Etna even has some prolific words about war and the world today. I don't recommend setting aside an evening for a viewing, but if you want a movie to put on in the background while doing something else or you REALLY like Dar the Beastmaster, why not let this Thor come and Conquer your screen for an hour and a half.

Best Scene: Trippy Yoda head

Worst Scene: Thor riding a horse aimlessly back and forth, scaring his enemies

Score: 5/10

Viewed on: Full Moon Streaming